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Various Artists
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Neil Diamond
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Toby Keith
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Motley Crue
For decades, Motley Crue has made a career out of annoying people, or worse. We got a short reprieve for a while, but alas, they are back to annoy us some more. The reunited Motley Crue is back, playing at a theater near you, and they have released this 2-disk collection as a career souvenir. My first advice is to find out what night they are playing in your town, then stay off the road and lock all your doors. My next advice is to avoid any and all contact with ‘Red, White and Crue’. As a career retrospective, it covers all the hits and then some – “Girls, Girls, Girls”, “Smokin’ in the Boys Room”, etc. – and 35 others. If you ask me, that’s 37 too many.
The eighties were not exactly a golden age for rock and roll, or for production methods, and this Crue are no exception. Every song on disk one follows the same formula, and suffers from the same dated production techniques. The most miraculous thing about this collection is the inherent contradiction that it presents. For a bunch of guys who allegedly carried the banner for what was considered ‘cool’ throughout the ‘80s, how could they manage to sound so fake and plastic? Each song is a stereotype of itself, and they blur together in an indefinable mess.
To best understand the methodology used by the Motleys, lets look at the cover versions that are presented here; it says something when the juvenile “Smokin’ in the Boys Room” is the best of the lot. Their version of the Sex Pistols “Anarchy in the U.K.” is outright embarrassing, especially the faux-English accents-via-Johnny Rotten, while the location change to L.A. gives the song as much bite as a geriatric who lost her dentures. Even worse, how can you turn the Beatles’ ”Helter Skelter” into sonic mush? They somehow manage. They even manage to muddle up the Rolling Stones’ “Street Fighting Man,” destroying its anthemic qualities by making it sound both petulant and myopic.
The only thing more ridiculous than the music on “Red, White and Crue” is the liner notes by David Wild, who attempts to paint Motley Crue as the best band of their era. Sample quotes? “Motley Crue’s music has aged shockingly well” (!), and “this music makes you want to stand up, bang your head and salute.” Well, I agree with the part about banging your head, but the only people who could agree entirely with these assessments are ex-12 year old fans who are now in mid-life crisis, and masochists.
Grade: 
 
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